Some great crap one liner jokes

-Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
-My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings.
-I’m giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
-I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
-Bought a litre of White Out yesterday. Huge mistake.
-Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half.
-I’ve started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
-Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. The wife said I’d been Tolkien in my sleep
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
-I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
-The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
-Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
-Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
-Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam program I’ve seen in a long time.
-My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive” but it’s hard without him.
-Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
-I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
-I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
-A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
-I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
-I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
-A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
-I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn’t matter none of them work.
-I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
-I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
-What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
-eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
-My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
-My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned, couldn’t concentrate.
-Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
-Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
-I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
-Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
-My wife’s working in a bowling alley. Ten pin? No, permanent.
-I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
-I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing ‘I’m A Believer’. Then I saw her face.
-I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
-How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
-My math teacher called me average. How mean!
-Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
-I’ve just written a song about tortillas… actually, it’s more of a rap.
-A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
-Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
-I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I’ve got some leads.
-If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
-Did you know that owls can’t breed in the rain? It’s too wet to woo.
-If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you’d have a small medium at large.
-When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down.
-What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
-Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome. Mum: Is it common? Dad: It’s not unusual.
-Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
-Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
-I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.
-I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that’s what it’s all about.
-My computer’s got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
-If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
-Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.