TRUTHS FOR MATURE ADULTS

- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
- I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!