Shakespeare Insult Kit

Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with “Thou”:

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangled hell-hated joithead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
qualling motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plume-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlot
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy unchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail


not for kids


Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

-In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, god got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
-Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
-Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
-The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
-Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
-Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
-Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
-The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
-The first commandment was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
-The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
-Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
-The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
-David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
-Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
-When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
-When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
-Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
-St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
-Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
-It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
-The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
-The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
-One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew, who was also a taximan.
-St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
-Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

The last one has to be the best.

not for kids


“What they lack in quality, they make up for with butter”.
“The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them”.
“Be prepared for a lot of high-fives and drunk frat guys screaming ‘Falafel !!!'”
“The viewing beats the chewing”.
“Quail with figs had exactly one fig. When asked for more, the waiter replied there’s one fig per customer!”
“The service is like a bad high school play – warm, well-meaning and completely inept”.
“Dishwashing utensil in my gumbo tainted the meal”.
“If you have no personality, this is the hangout for you”.
“Service with a grudge”.
“The special occasion place for people with bad taste”.
“I’m pretty sure I ate cow’s udders and liked them”.
“The maître d’ made us wait to be seated, apparently for no other reason than because he could”.
“Service exists in two modes – know it all and not at all”.
“Like eating in an NYC subway station, only nicer”.
“Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table”.
“The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it’s a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program”.
“Very polite staff – when a guest fell asleep they served his food as if nothing had happened”.
“Good place to turn down a marriage proposal”.
“I go here a lot… I’m not sure why”.
“The food looks like it was plated by toddlers”.
“Overrated, overhyped, overlook it”.
“Charming in an authoritarian kind of way”.
“Service so attentive you may have to ask for some privacy”.
“Take a look at the staff on the way in – that’s the last you’ll see of them”.
“Other than having gone to hell in a hand basket, everything is just like it was before the sale”.
“The valet stole my cell phone and called Brazil 11 times”. “What is an ‘ultra lounge’ anyway?”
“Had I known the lobster cost $300, I would have brought it home and kept it as a pet”.
“Menu is epic, but like a bad ’50’s Bible picture”.
“Even their ‘regulars’ have stopped going there”.
“Foie gras does not need to be put into a mascarpone cookie”.
“I would rather eat sushi from a vending machine”.
“Great food amid a sea of shorts and black socks”.
“The waiter took my order, went outside to smoke and then waved through the window”.
“Could someone do something about the uniforms? 1982 just called and it wants its suspenders back”.
“We could have lived without knowing that our waiter was ‘Steven from Long Beach”.
“If I wanted to be treated with distaste, I would just stay home”.
“Our waiter was very unattractive, and this being LA, I have to downgrade the decor rating”.
“They make you walk around with a horse stick and blow a whistle. That’ll teach you to tell someone it’s your birthday”.
“Overpriced and undergood”.
“The food may be bad but at least the service is slow”.
“It seems that the owner, the chef and I have lost interest”.
“My waiter was so soft-spoken I thought he was a mime”.
“Someone had to employ all those out-of-work actors, I guess”.
“If this is American food, I’ll apply for a passport out”.
“Hard to tell if it is a restaurant or drug front”.
“My office comes here for special lunches, but I wish they’d stop”.
“The food may have been excellent, but I was choking on the prices”.
“Even the ice water had garlic in it”.
“I’d love to go back – if you were paying”.
“Proof that there’s no shortage of people who want to eat bad food in historic buildings”.
“The only thing healthy about the place is the exit door”.
“Staff wanders around as if they were just beamed to this strange location”.
“Who said it was okay to expose your chest hair while serving people their sandwiches and frozen yogurt?”
“The staff is charmingly incompetent”.
“A good place to go with co-workers you don’t like”.
“I do wish they’d stop sticking a pine tree in every entree”.
“The No. 1 spot in town for crooked pharmaceutical reps to stuff fat doctors full of $50 steaks”.
“Once you drive through axe-murderer country to get here you are pleasantly surprised by all the people and the buzz”.
“It’s hard to tell where the food stops and the styrofoam containers begin”.
“Suffers from delusions of adequacy”.
“Took a doggy bag home. The dog refused it”.
“If I want to be ignored, I can stay home with my family”.
“So much for old world cooking – unless their microwave is hand-cranked”.
“Family-friendly, yes. Foodie-friendly, no!”
“If this place doesn’t get you laid, nothing will”.
“His food tastes better on TV”.
“The music’s so loud it’s like they’re asking you to leave”.
“Saves fuel bills – the heartburn will keep you warm all winter”.
“The immature eating the indelible”.
“Like a skunk, it’s small, it’s cute and it stinks”.
“Our wine was a year older when it finally arrived at the table”.
“I actually pulled out my cell phone and called and asked them to please bring us water”.
“Abandon taste buds all ye who enter here”.
“It has a great reputation among people who don’t get out much”.
“A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong”.
“The roaches always get the best seats”.
“I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved – it was my waitress”.
“I don’t tip if I get groped”.
“Chef’s responsibility is to turn on the microwave”.
“If only the spectacular view could fill one’s stomach”.
“Foam is not the solution”.
“I’ve been in prisons with better service”.
“They put the salmon in salmonella”.
“If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I’ll go to my mum’s”.
“Grandma cooked like this, grandpa died young”.
“I was told by the waiter that I have the wrong palate”.
“I liked the concept until I ate here”.
“I asked the waitress what was on the cheese plate and she replied ‘cheese'”.
“Food is awesomely average”.
“Good luck with the semi-annual waiter service”.
“Only the flies on our table enjoyed the meal”.
“Good seafood, but the waiter should be used as fish bait”.
“An experience only a suburbanite would tolerate”.
“So snobby you would think its high school all over again”.
“Anorexic portions at obese prices”.
“Not what it used to be and it did not used to be much”.
“Trying to be edgy, they fell off”.
“You can take lessons on apathy and disaffection from the wait staff here”.
“Duck must have had a long flight – tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive”.
“Most of the food here tastes like cheese with extra cheese on top”.
“Our waiter would have been better cast as an undertaker”.
“Portions so small I started laughing – prices so high I started crying”.
“So much staff…so little service”.
“They’re having siesta while you’re trying to fiesta”.
“Have yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the cooking process”.
“A place so phony it would make Holden Caulfield’s head explode”.
“Like putting a tiara on a street vendor”.
“For the price, the lobster should have come via overnight express, not ony express”.
“Best things here are the toothpicks”.
“All they have is the view, and you can walk outside and have that for free”.
“‘Breaking bread’ should not mean you have to use the side of the table”.
“I’m convinced that my salad was deep-fried”.
“Less than meets the eye”.
“The quiche of death”.
“Should shut down the restaurant and just serve the view”.


Friday Randoms

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Port Eliot LitFest 2012

We didn’t really take any pictures at night (too wasted), but had to get one of Suggs, who was amazing.

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