Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking “What products do I use for grooming?” She was a bit taken aback when I replied Facebook.

Blowjobs and lobster have 2 things in common. They are both great, and you rarely get ’em at home.

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had – breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down”. I said “Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!”

It’s a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries…

Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls.


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