Upon the birth of my new son, we all celebrated traditionally with Cuban cigars. The little poof was sick after only one drag.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60’s group The Monkees. I thought she was joking… and then I saw her face…

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!” She removes all her clothing and asks “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says “Here, iron this!”

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say “Nice tie”. Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said “Beautiful shirt”.

At this, the man calls the bartender over. “Say, I must be losing my mind” he tells him. “I keep hearing these voices say nice things and there is not a soul in here but us”. “It’s the peanuts” explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. “The peanuts?” “That’s right, the peanuts… they’re complementary”.