I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it.

I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night and telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands. She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her and she said go on then give it a go! I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer and asked “When was I born then?” “Yesterday” I replied.

I was pretty excited when my girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic. Turns out that she loves Alan.

not for kids

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