Friday Randoms

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Friday Randoms

not for kids

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected…

-I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
-A problem is really only a fact that someone is resisting.
-Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
-Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
-We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
-War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
-In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
-Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
-I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
-Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favourite is Nestlé’s.
-If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
-Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
-A woman’s place is in charge.
-Well my days of not taking you seriously are coming to a middle.
-Build it and they will complain.
-The most important social element in modern computer game development is probably still beer.
-I’m interested in nothing, with the right story I can make almost anything from it.
-Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
-Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.
-I try to watch what I eat and yet my eyes just aren’t quick enough.
-She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.
-Some people are like Slinkies not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-Children should be seen but not herded.
-Two wrongs don’t make a right, three lefts do.
-Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
-Free and fair elections are the mainstay of modern democracy, the only downside is that after the votes are counted a politician wins.
-Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-Buy two get one tree.
-Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
-A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
-Women’s rights impress me as much as their lefts.
-Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
-Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The practice of mindfulness may show you what’s so, further enlightenment will show you, so what.
-Humanity has achieved, abiding love, peace, progress, truth, beauty, glory, enlightenment and tolerance, on paper.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-They had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, their powers of speech.
-If you’re telekinetic raise my hand.
-I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.
-Pet spiders are cheaper to buy off the web.
-The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
-A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
-Speed up your smartphone, throw it out a 10th story window.
-A broken pencil is pointless.
-We don’t stop playing because we grow old we grow old because we stop playing.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
-Newton stayed up all night puzzling the movement of the sun. Then it dawned on him.
-The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.
-You are what you eat. May contains nuts.
-I hate to say “I told you so” so I am going to shout it really loud.
-A bad banker quickly loses interest.
-The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.
-Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
-It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.
-Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
-Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-You cannot be a hero without being a coward.
-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
-Strong emotions are stupid and should be hated.
-Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says in an emergency, notify, I put “A DOCTOR.”
-A banker will always lend you an umbrella on a sunny day.
-Atheism is always not for prophet.
-Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
-The saying “Getting there is half the fun” became obsolete with the advent of budget airlines.
-A fool and his money are soon elected.
-The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the train.
-If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.
-Never leave till tomorrow what you can immediately forget.
-I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
-You’re not yourself today it’s nice.
-Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-Your argument is sound, just sound, lots of sound.
-One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I’ll never know.
-I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
-I sleep eight hours a day. And at least ten at night.
-I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of BS.
-I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
-I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
-All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
-If the enemy is in range so are you.
-If you see a man running from a tiger run faster than he does, you can’t outrun the tiger and you really don’t have to.
-I had beautiful wives, every one beautiful, talented and now rich.
-I don’t know why they told me I’m innumerate, it doesn’t add up.
-I live in my own little world, they know me here.
-One thing you mustn’t miss when you visit Adelaide is the plane.
-I don’t do drugs anymore, I get the same effect just standing up these days.
-I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
-Of course men can multitask, we read in the bathroom.
-Growing old is tough not growing old is worse.
-Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
-To keep fit my grandmother walks five miles a day, she’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
-I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
-Laughter is the best medicine, if you don’t have insurance.
-I miss my ex so often, I really need a laser sight.
-Clothes maketh the man, naked people have little or no influence at all.
-I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
-I can’t thank you enough, you’re never bloody happy are you?
-I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.
-To err is human, to really mess up though, that takes a computer.
-Experts know more and more about less and less till they know absolutely everything about nothing.
-Nothing is possible, I’ve been doing it for years.
-I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.

not for kids

Friday Randoms

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