WITTY EXCHANGES, INSULTS & OBSERVATIONS

“He had delusions of adequacy”. –Walter Kerr
“I really didn’t foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course… the computer industry didn’t even foresee that the century was going to end”. –Douglas Adams
“I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist”. –Sally Kempton
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire”. –Winston Churchill
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me”. –Fred Allen
“I hate to spread rumours. But what else one can do with them?” — Amanda Lear
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure”. –Clarence Darrow
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt”. –Abraham Lincoln
“In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows”. –Woody Allen
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary”. –William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway.
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on”. –Dean Martin
“Once you’ve been in a mental institution, people are going to look at you funny”. –Drew Barrymore
“Don’t be humble – you are not that great”. –Golda Meir
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it”. –Moses Hadas
“Skin diseases are something doctors like, the patient neither dies nor gets well”. –H.L. Mencken
“Never believe in anything until it has been officially denied”. –Otto von Bismarck
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it”. –Mark Twain
“Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine”. –David Moulton
“Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to god”. –Lenny Bruce
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends”.–Oscar Wilde
“You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else”. –Chuck Palahniuk
“Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair”. –George Burns
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one”. –George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one”. –Winston Churchill, in response.
“Relationships don’t last any more. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself ‘Is this the guy I want my children spending their weekends with?'” –Rita Rudner
“A lie can be half way around the world before the truth has got its boots on”. –James Callaghan
“The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness”. –Paul Theroux
“Democracy is the worst form of government, except all the others that have been tried”. –Sir Winston Churchill
“I feel so miserable without you. It’s almost like having you here”. –Stephen Bishop
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure”. –Clarence Darrow
“Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in”. –Katharine Whitehorn
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator”. –John Bright
“Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one”. –WC Fields
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial”. –Irvin S. Cobb
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go”. –Oscar Wilde
“It’s very good to get through them (drugs) while you’re still young and then talk about how great or bad it was for the rest of your life”. –Carrie Fisher
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others”. –Samuel Johnson
“I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house”. –Zsa Zsa Gabor
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up”. –Paul Keating
“Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time”. –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily”. –Charles, Count Talleyrand
“Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules – and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress”. –Kurt Vonnegut
“If women can sleep their way to the top, how come they aren’t there? There must be an epidemic of insomnia out there”. –Ellen Goodman
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease”. “That depends, Sir” said Disraeli “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress”.
“The nice thing about egoists is that they don’t talk about other people”. –Lucille S. Harper
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him”. –Forrest Tucker
“I am not young enough to know everything”. –Oscar Wilde
“You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper”. –Robert Alton Harris
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” –Mark Twain
“Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week”. –William Dean Howells
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork”. –Mae West
“People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election”. –Otto von Bismarck
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go”. –Oscar Wilde
“Women’s intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking”. –Rupert Hughes
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination”. –Andrew Lang
“I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards”. –Immanuel Kant
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music”. –Billy Wilder
“Most of the time I don’t have much fun. – The rest of the times, I don’t have any fun at all”. –Woody Allen
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it”. –Groucho Marx

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