The brilliance of Jimmy Carr

-If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.
-I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said “Why not”? I said, you look fat.
-I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
-When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
-Someone came up to me last week and complained about a joke, quite a big-boned girl. She said “I think you’re fattist”. I said “No, I think you’ll find you’re fattest”.
-I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.
-If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
-I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.
-Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
-I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.
-When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
-I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
-People with Tourettes… what makes them tick?
-Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
-I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
-I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s Problem.
-No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
-I went up to the airport information desk. I said “How many airports are there in the world?”
-See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).
-When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
-A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
-Jimmy “How olds your boyfriend?” Guy in Audience “He’s my brother!” Jimmy “Well stop fucking him!”
-My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
-The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very, very ugly.
-Jesus loves you… He’s not ‘in love’ with you.
-When someone close to you dies, move seats.
-British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.
-I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self-esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.
-Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.
-Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
-I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.
-I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
-I’ve got a friend whose nickname is ‘shagger’. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
-I of course, don’t have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
-The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses – he must have been a hell of a salesman.
-My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
-Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
-Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn’t help thinking “Stop clicking your fingers”.
-In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.
-I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
-I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats.
-Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ – what kind of man do you think I am?
Let’s face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
-They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
-My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?” He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
-Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied “Yes, who did you think it was?”
-My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
-I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
-Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
-Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don’t die.
-The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.
-There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it’s happening to more than one of us don’t you think it could be your fault?
-I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”.
-My father always used to say “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. Until the accident.
-My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty?”
-I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.
-Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? That’s because you don’t live in New York City.
-Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.
-I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.
-Say what you want about the deaf…
-I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.
-A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said “All right, but we won’t get much done”.