Friday Randoms


“Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief” -Mark Watson
“I’ve just finished covering my Ford transit in sequins. I always wanted a camper van”. -Andy Bowers
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time” -Tom Ward
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess” -Matt Kirshen
“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me” -Ria Lina
“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily'” -Tim Vine
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” -Stewart Francis
“I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lap dance” -Bobby Mair
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. Wrong on so many different levels” -Tim Vine
“I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free” -Darren Walsh
“I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set” -Masai Graham
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” -Nick Helm
“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge ass… but enough about Kanye West” -Stewart Francis
“I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number 1’s and number 2’s” -Bec Hill
“People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works” -Hannibal Buress
“Surely every car is a people carrier?” -Adam Hess
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal” -Paul F Taylor
“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism she wouldn’t fancy her chances” -Nish Kumar
“What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” -Masai Graham
“Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” -Scott Capurro
“Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought… once you’ve hired the car” -Tim Key
“If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably would not it ‘ -Dave Green
“I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven” -Jason Cook
“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards” -Sarah Millican
“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fish and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas” -Mark Nelson
“This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it” -Felicity Ward
“Met a guy the other day who said his job was as a limb stretcher. I said “You’re pulling my leg mate” -Andy Bowers
“I entered ten puns into a contest hoping they would win, but no pun in ten did”. -Andoreasu Bushika
“You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost” -Marcus Brigstocke
“I waited an hour for my starter so I complained. It’s not rocket salad!” -Lou Sanders
“The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men” -Phil Wang
“Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day” -Tom Parry
“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa” -Rob Auton
“My friend died doing what he loved… Heroin” -DeAnne Smith
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing gloves massive “-Alun Cochrane
“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying” -Rob Auton
“I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure” -Alan Sharp
“Clowns divorce. Custardy battle ” -Simon Munnery
“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately” -Chris Coltrane
“Someone asked me recently: what would I rather give up, food or sex? Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife” -Mark Watson
“They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I have not revised for…” -Grace
“The universe implodes. No matter” -Liam Williams
“I never lie on my CV… because it creases it” -Jenny Collier
“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks” -Stewart Francis
“If you do not know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself” -Ian Smith
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case” -Rob Beckett
“Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but does not” -Gyles Brandreth
“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell” -Gary Delaney
“Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that Means ‘me’ “-Ally Houston
“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why” -Chris Turner
“Earlier this year I saw ‘The Theory of Everything’ – loved it. Should’ve been called ‘Look Who’s Hawking’ that’s my only criticism” -James Acaster
“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same” -Alfie Moore
“I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust. -Tim Vine
“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating” -George Ryegold
“I deleted all the Spanish names from my phone Juan by Juan. -Andy Bowers
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister” -Will Marsh
“My mum hates her new stair lift. She says it drives her up the wall” -Andy Bowers
“I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze” -Tim Vine
“Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD’s back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly” -Tim Vine